The Choices You Make
by Random Disasters
Summary: A tale of forbbiden love, lasting friendship, and the chocies two people are forced to make. Can Lily stand strong as her feelings are split in half? Sirius or James? Read and Review please. I'll reply to them all, I promise.
1. Her Eyes Don't Lie

A/N: Let's do this thing, guys. :]

This is a big step for me, I'm being honest. I'm completely against ANY emotional parings then those that go by the book. But I read one with Sirius and Lily in it (damn me for forgetting the name) and I adored it. Absolutely adored it. So here I am writing one that still involves James and Lily together in the end but the confusing jumble of Sirius's feelings for Lily. It explains why he never married before. :]

So let's get this show on the road:

Characters: James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Alice and Frank Longbottom, and Maple Richardton

Time: Seventh year of Hogwarts

Rating: Teen for language

Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of these characters except for Maple. The places and so on ALL came from JKR. I take no credit. I own Maple and the plot.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance

Enjoy.

--Disaster

[X]

Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt. So where does that land you when your world starts crashing down and it suddenly hurts again? What happens when that fake smile, so well practiced, doesn't work anymore? Why is it so hard to hide yourself from the truth?

Lily Evans was curled up on the sofa in the Common Room, her quivering body the only give away of her silent sobs. She wasn't worried about being found. It was two in the morning; no one would be awake.

The waves of hurt crashed around her, pulling her under with each swell. She couldn't fight it anymore. She couldn't lie. Her armor was cracking and the emotions that flew out were no surprise to her. She had felt them all before but each time she let them out it became a little hard to patch up the holes and move along again. Just a little more pain, a few more tears, another strike of hate and it would all be over until it was set in motion again. She fought hard against it but she was fighting a battle long since lost. She was lost in her mind. She was fighting the only person that opposed a threat--herself.

She knew she couldn't' keep this up for much longer. She would have to end this one way or another. She was tried of the pain…the shock. She needed someone to help her back up every time she fell but the one person she wanted was no longer there. It was true, she knew it, but each time she was on her knees she looked for Severus like he was still there. He was long gone because she had sent him away. The one person she needed most wasn't around to help her up. So where was she now?

"Evans?"

Lily hurriedly wiped away her tears. She hoped her eyes weren't too red. She turned to see Sirius Black standing there, shirtless, at the foot of the dorm stairwell. She blinked away the heavy moisture in her eyes. She cleared her throat softly, made a mental check of her shaking hands, and spoke,

"Black."

She cursed herself mentally for attempting to speak. The quiver in her voice was dead noticeable despite the fact she spoke in a whisper. She was stupid for even talking to him. This would only lead to questions she rather leave unanswered.

His handsome features softened, making him all the more attractive. She turned her back on him, hating the knowing look his black eyes gave her. Her emerald eyes were swimming with unshed tears as the pain started again. He didn't know what was going…he could never know. Mostly because she wasn't going to tell him. She couldn't. She had sworn to herself to keep it all a secret--no one could ever know. Ever.

"Evans…" his tone was softer and it caressed her name before he spoke it. She only stiffened and kept her eyes forward. She wouldn't have spoken even if she could have. Her tears were choking her as she drowned in her misery. It was a silent hell.

"Lily?" he tried next, worry tinting his voice now.

She was thankful that he stood behind her. The tears flooded out of her beautiful eyes and cascaded down her cheeks in streams. She bit her lip t keep her body from shaking. He couldn't ever know she was crying. She wasn't going to tell him, either.

_He can't know, _she told herself, _this doesn't need to include anyone expect you._

Sirius walked forward slowly, anxious. Normally she would have thrown something at him, told him to get what he wanted and to leave. Sometimes she was asleep when he came down here and he would cover her up. Yes, he was kind towards Lily Evans when no one but himself was around. She didn't even know it. Maybe now would be the time to speak up.

He was standing right behind her now. Her long red locks tickled his bare chest and stomach. He had never stood this close to her before. She smelled _great…_he hesitated slightly as he decided what to do. Would she slap him if he touched her?

It was then that a soft sob escaped her compressed lips. His black eyes widened in shock. Why the hell was she crying? This was ridiculous; she had no reason to be.

Sirius grabbed her shoulders and gently turned her around. He took his thumb and brushed away the tears without thinking about it. All he could really register at the moment was that she needed someone and he was here. Maybe he wasn't the rescuer she had in mind but he was what she was getting.

"Lily," he whispered softly, "Lily, Lily, Lily."

She said nothing as she peered up at him with tear filled emerald eyes. Her cheeks were splotchy from crying and she still looked beautiful. She was beautiful no matter what she was doing. He could see why James was so attracted to her. Could James see the hurt in her eyes when he looked at her? Could he see through her fake smile? Was he ever going to hold her when she cried like she was now?

Sirius reached forward and wrapped his arms around her. He sat down on the couch she had just left and held her against him tightly. His heart gave a wrench when she let out a little wail of misery. Her hot tears trickled down his skin like rain on a window. He didn't mind. He kept holding her in silence as she sobbed against him. He placed his cheek on top of her flaming red hair and was slightly shocked when it didn't burn him. He rubbed her back gently as she continued crying. He didn't say a single word. He didn't need to. He was a silent guardian attempting to block away all her pain. He was trying to save her from herself even though he didn't know it. All he knew as that she needed help. He didn't know what it was for but he was going to try his best to make it better no matter what happened. Right now she needed him and that was all he cared about.

"What is it love?" he asked her after an hour of her sobbing, "What has you so upset?"

"I c-cant tell you," she choked against his warm skin as another tear slid out of her eye.

"Of course you can. You can tell me anything," he assured her gently.

"I-I shouldn't," she couldn't stop the fresh tears as they spilled over.

"Give me a hint," he suggested, "It would be different if I guess it, right?"

She only nodded against his chest. After a few minutes of careful thinking, she finally whispered,

"They kill Muggles all the time and have any magical Muggle born on their hit list. They would do anything to have them living in fear until they found that Muggle."

"Death Eaters."

She must have been choked by tears again because all she did was nod. Sirius didn't say anything as he thought of his Pure Blood family. His parents agreed with Voldemort's idea and Regulus himself was going to become a Death Eater. Sirius was going to join the Order of the Phoenix when he left school. He wanted to stop Voldemort from tearing apart families like Lily's.

"Did he kill your family?" he whispered softly into her hair.

"Yes," her voice was muffled by his skin, "He killed my parents. Petunia is still alive but I don't know where she is. He's killed everyone, Sirius. I don't know what's going to happen. I can't stand to put anyone in danger but I can't just leave this world behind either. I don't know what to do."

Sirius reached down and tipped her head up. He stared down into her beautiful wet eyes and felt the thick walls around his heart crumble away. Sirius knew what it felt like to love but he kept his heart away from the hard fingers of females. At that moment, Lily captured hold of his heart like it was hers all along. He barley felt her soft fingers against it as she unconsciously made it her own. He loved very few people now he finally loved a girl. A girl so pure and beautiful that he wondered what took him so long.

"Don't worry about that now. You've got a long time until they find you. Let me keep you safe, love. I won't let anyone hurt you," he promised as he gazed into her eyes.

"Please," she whispered as she closed her eyes, "Please man it that you'll keep me safe."

"As long as you will let me."

The tears began to fall from her eyes gain and he pulled her close. He vowed to keep her safe no matter what it took.

Did that mean protecting her from James too?


	2. Captured Heart

A/N: I'm on a roll, yo.

XD

I only have one review at the moment and I've already got some more chapters written because I adore this story. It's so much better then my first one, _It's Real._ There's just something about it.

So, give me reviews and I'll be sure to actually update this more often. I'm so excited, it's kind of pathetic.

Thanks for reviewing, if you do.

Enjoy!

--Disaster

[X]

Sirius Black didn't plan on telling anyone of his late night with Lily. She had fallen asleep crying, poor thing, cradled in his arms. He had felt the horrible urge to kiss the tears away from her cheeks but had refrained himself. He was thinking forbidden thoughts. Lily was James's girl. He had no right to be thinking anything or trying to protect her. James was missing his chance to steal her heart and here his best mate stood not giving him a clue as to what was really going on.

"Are you listening Padfoot?"

Sirius blinked and focused on Remus and Peter sitting across from him. James clapped his friend on the shoulder and then snagged some bacon from Remus's plate. The food was really just a show because Remus's transformation was so close. He nibbled on the edge of his toast all the same as James wolfed down Moony's extra bacon.

"Pig," Sirius snorted.

"Get your head out of your arse," James replied through his full mouth, "Wormtail bet me I couldn't eat all that bacon in one minute."

He swallowed and held his hand out to Peter with a triumphant grin. The other boy sighed and began to fish around in his pocket for extra gold.

"That goes to the Lily Fund," James ginned as he pocketed the gold with a sly smile shot at Sirius.

"And what is the 'Lily Fund,' Potter?" a voice snapped from behind them.

James and Sirius turned to see a fierce eyed, totally composed, Lily Evans standing there with her hands on her hips. She looked down at the pair coolly. James's hand went up to his hair and ran through it quickly. Lily gave him a cold look before looking over at Sirius. He smirked up at the red head ill at ease but his black eyes warned her not to tell anyone what had happened. Her emerald orbs screamed the same warning as she stared down at him.

"I need to speak with you, Remus," she said after a moment, looking up with a smile at the tire seventeen year old.

"Of course, Lily. Head duties, I'm guessing?" he asked as he pushed back the bench he was sitting on.

"I'll take your spot Moony," James said quickly, "I haven't had some alone time with Evans in quite awhile."

"Of course you won't, you great lump," Lily snapped, her eyes flashing back to Sirius and away again.

It was then that he knew the hurt and tears would be back again. He almost flinched as the memories of last night came flying into his head. He had never seen someone so broken and lost before in all of his life. He felt the urge to protect her from all the harm in the world even though no one had anything to do with it. What could possibly be going on? Surly not all of this was about her dead parents? Some of those tears must have been spent on something other then such a horrible memory…he knew they just had to be. But what? What could make a girl cry so much that she couldn't speak? What could make a girl sob onto the man that she knew she hated but needed so much it broke both of their hearts?

Before he could read anything else in her eyes, she walked away with Remus to arrange the Head duties. The Marauders had let Lily in on Remus's transformation when she had found James and Sirius slipping under the Invisibility Cloak to go see him. She was such an observant person that they were both surprised to get away with it for so long.

"I'll get her alone some day," James said with a wink at Sirius, "We both know she'll cave one of these days."

"Oh yes…because you're so damn sexy that you can win the coldest girl in school," Sirius muttered with a wicked grin.

"I am bloody sexy," the other laughed as he swiped another piece of bacon.

"You're a shaggable bloke, Prongs," Sirius chuckled while shoving his friends shoulder softly.

"As you, Padfoot."

James returned his attention to Lily and Remus who stood across the hall talking. Sirius knew what he was thinking. The fact that Remus was able to share a room with Lily was eating James alive. It bothered him that he wasn't able to do that. Sirius was sure that if James knew he what being Head Boy meant then he would have kept his act clean. He was somewhat glad that he didn't. Having Remus as Head Boy was fine but if James were in that role…it would be bad. Horrible, even. Having James in any spot of authority along with Lily was just asking for the world to explode.

Lily and James…how odd of a pairing would that be? But yet, as Sirius sat there watching James, he knew that it would only be a matter of time before things fell into place. For the past five years James had been telling her he loved her--and it was true. Did James know that his best friend was falling for the fiery young woman as well? Could he keep his secret from both of them?

Two girls were walking slowly past the Gryffindor table for the third time. Sirius glanced over at them. Before he made any definite plans he would be sure that Lily wasn't going to need him tonight. He smiled over at them with a sly wink. One of the girl burst into giggles but the other smile boldly back. James was looking at them now too, a look on his face that told Sirius neither of them would be sleeping alone tonight.

"Why, hello, there," Sirius winked, "I like the feisty one, James. Maybe she could be rougher then the girl from Hufflepuff."

"Do you like it rough?" the bold girl smiled wickedly at him. Sirius raised an eyebrow, impressed.

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe it is."

"I'd like to take you up on that, darling."

"You're on."

"Michelle," the giggly one whispered, "Don't be stupid. Your mother would kill you--"

"It's Sirius Black, Christy. I want to know what it's like," Michelle returned with a smile flashed at Sirius.

"It's true," he shrugged, "James and I are quite experienced. I can take it slow with you if you like, baby."

She threw her head back with a short laugh as Christy stared at him, shocked. It was James that finally seemed to melt the goody-two-shoes.

"I can be the one for you," Sirius knew he was whispering in her ear. He used the same line on all the unsure girls that came their way, "I can be the one to make all of your dreams come true. Come on…it won't be so bad."

XxX

He needed something to take his mind off of the girl he had left to cry alone but even the rocking motions above him couldn't stop his thoughts from wondering to her. He pulled back, gave Michelle a little smile, and whispered,

"I think I'm good for now. Thanks though, love."

"Excuse me?"

"I needed a distraction. You supplied it very well." She rolled her eyes,

"I'm nowhere near done with you."

"Well, you're fucked, my dear," he sighed. It was like this with all the hard headed girls he took to bed with him.

He watched as she grabbed her wand from the bedside table and began to carve something into his head board. She lit her wand and smiled slyly at him. The carving disappeared before he could read what it said.

A moment later, as he was shoving the fully dressed girl out the door, she leaned up and whispered in his ear,

"I'll be waiting for tomorrow."

"There will be no more for us, doll. I'm done with you. You're just a little too underneath my league. Sorry, darling," and he closed the door in her pouting face.

He leaned against it for a moment, staring blankly into the dark room. His heart wasn't aching because of the night he had just had…it was hurting because he had left Lily to cry alone. He knew she was crying. He could almost feel the tears against his chest.

Why was this bothering him so much?


	3. She Loves Him Not You

_Life is hard. That's plain and simple. How are you supposed to change that one fact? Nothing can change the feeling that you get inside when the one person promised you, only the night before that they would always be there for you. Too bad they were off fucking some girl instead of holding onto you when all that pain came rippling over. What are you supposed to do then? And what the hell do you do when Remus actually suggests James Potter coming with you on rounds?_

_There's nothing you can do…you just have to let things run their course. It will only be for one night. It can't hurt you anymore then Sirius has already hurt you…can it?_

[X]

"Well hello there," James smiled as Lily climbed out of the Head's portrait hole. She didn't say anything as she took off down the corridor. If she could help it she wasn't going to say anything to him tonight. She didn't want to. He hurt her just as much as Sirius did last night. It was actually James's fault!

Lily gasped when James took hold of her hand and pulled her into an empty classroom. Her back was up against the wall and he put both of his hands on either side of her head. She shuddered, not wanting him to be this close, yet wanting him to be anyway.

_Knock it off! _She thought fiercely, _you don't want this!_

"Get off of me Potter," she snapped.

He didn't answer. His nose skimmed her jaw line and she shuddered again. He knew good and well what he was doing to her but he was going to make her believe that he wasn't who she thought he was. This wasn't how he originally had planned for the night to go, but he didn't mind that it was going this way either.

"Stop it," she was pleading now, her voice cracking even though she only used a whisper.

He pulled back and looked at her, such longing and passion in his eyes that it left her momentarily breathless. Neither of them moved so their bodies stayed pushed together, their faces only inches apart.

"Let me prove this to you Evans," he whispered harshly, "Let me show you that I'm not the person you seem to think that I am. I'm not just James Potter. I'm so much more then that. Give me the chance to show you that. I need to show you that. Please."

She closed her eyes and looked away. She couldn't bear to see all the love and devotion those hazel eyes held. She was about to break down again. She loved him so much…but she knew she couldn't be with him. She would be putting him in danger to the world around him and she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did that. He deserved someone pure and whole…someone who wouldn't end up getting them killed.

"I love you, Lily," he whispered.

"I--"

She couldn't speak. She didn't know what it was she could say. There wasn't much she _could _say. He was telling her everything that she had always wanted to hear and more. For four years she had put up with his annoying way of saying 'I love you' and now the words actually came out of his mouth. And using her actual name!

"Please," he repeated in that same longing tone making her heart shudder.

"I don't know if I can deal with what happens…after," she whispered back, not wanting to admit that she wanted him but not going to tell him why she couldn't.

"Nothing's going to happen after," he said, "I promise. It'll be over so quick you won't even know I kissed you…come on Lily. Just give me a chance. You might like it. According to Sirius I'm quite experienced with the ladies."

There was that smirk again. She sighed and gazed up at him, not saying anything. Her emerald eyes were screaming for him to do it but her mouth stayed tightly shut, not wanting to put him in danger for she knew she would fall only so fast. He pushed his face closer to where their noses were touching. He was asking again with those hazel eyes.

She closed her eyes and nodded slowly. The lips that captured hers made her want to sing. How long had she been waiting of this?

Six years…she had been in love with James Potter for six years of her life. Even Severus could see that when she looked at the fellow Gryffindor.

Her heart wrenched again when she thought of Severus. James hadn't stopped kissing her yet and she was hoping he never would. Only a few seconds after thinking that, however, did he pull back and smile at her.

"I told you," he said, "I told you that you would like it…"

She only shrugged and pushed against him. He pulled back and they went back into the corridor. As they began walking he took hold of her hand and she felt her heavy heart lift. She felt whole again…the first time she had in a long time. He kissed her cheek when they finished rounds and walked off happily to his dorm. She walked slowly back to her dorm with the weight of the world back around her shoulders. When she entered the main room of the dorm she almost burst into tears at the sight of Sirius sitting on her couch.

"You were gone awhile," he said softly after a moment of just looking at her.

"I know," she whispered.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"What's wrong now?"

"I think…well…"

"You fell for James."

It wasn't a question. He was stating a fact that he must have known for a long time now. She burst into tears and stumbled forward. He stood up and took her into his arms, pressing his face into her soft hair. He rubbed her back and whispered soothingly in her ear as she blubbered about nonsense of not hurting anyone. She didn't want to put anyone in danger. She didn't want to be the reason that James had a young death, or that Sirius gets sent to Azkaban because he protected her, or even Remus being out of work for being a werewolf even though that one wasn't her fault. Sirius soothed her silently as she sobbed her little heart out on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you last night. James pulled me into some kind of…well that doesn't matter, but I really am sorry. I know you needed me and if you want me to leave I will. I'm not going to break you down," he whispered after a moment.

"Of course I still want you here," she sighed, "I need you here now. I can't tell James about this. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing…"

She wasn't crying anymore but she made no move to leave his arms. He held her tight against him not wanting to let go either. They stood there in silence for a long time, just wrapped in one another's arms. She was comforted just by his presence. She owed him so much now…he saved her. He's still saving her. Where would she be without such an amazing person? Nowhere, she'd bet.

"Thank you for everything Sirius," she said, "I owe you everything."

"You don't owe me anything."

"Yes I do."

"Lily-"

"Just listen. I'm trying to break down all those walls…I'm ready to fell in love. I don't know who with, hopefully James, but I don't want to have to make you put up with my pain. I hope that I won't need as much comforting once I get into this relationship. He makes me feel whole just like you do. I just owe you for comforting me for these few days. You've made me feel better then I have in a long time and I don't know where I would be without you coming to the rescue. Maybe dating James won't be the best idea, but I need to feel _something. _It's so hard to breathe the days. You understand, right?"

Sirius nodded. His role as protector had flown by so fast. Was it supposed to just last a few days? He wasn't going to argue with her, though. James wanted her and now she finally wanted him. Well, she was finally admitting that she wanted him too. He wasn't going to stand in the way of a love that he knows will be great. They were both going to finally get what they want. Where does that land him?

"Thank you," she whispered again.

She stood up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek gently and giving him a breath taking smile. He smiled back and hugged her before leaving. As he walked back to the Common Room he felt like he had left his heart behind. He shrugged it off. He didn't want it back.


	4. No One Can Know

A/N: Wow, it's been awhile. Sorry guys! My parents are getting divorced and we're STILL in the process of moving so I'm going to be kind of…bleh with getting these out. You get a cookie if you don't yell at me. ;]

Enjoy!

[X]

What life was she leading? What pain was she hiding from those around her? What kind of agony did she go through day in and day out? Only she knew the answers to these questions. She refused to let the pain take over her body; to let it become part of her. She felt the need to fight the depression that attempted to claw her under its icy depths every time she saw him. It was too late for him now. She was with his best friend! How could she sit here crying and wish for _his _arms around her?

Sirius walked into the Head's Dorm to get Remus. He froze when he saw Lily curled up on the couch with her arms wrapped around herself, tears falling thickly down her cheeks. Her emerald eyes--her beautiful eyes--were closed. Her fiery locks were pulled back loosely. Next his eyes locked on her body and his head almost stopped. She was still in her uniform. Her tie was lying on the floor and the top three buttons on her shirt were undone. Her skirt came up to a height any boy--especially James--would notice. He slowly moved his dark eyes back up to her face.

"You should call me if you're having problems," he told her.

Her eyes snapped open. She stared at him, and then the anger faded from her eyes when she realized it was him. He watched in silence as pain filled her eyes. She buried her face in her hands with a strangled sob. Sirius glanced down the hall.

"Moony?" he called.

"He a-already left," she choked.

Satisfied, Sirius moved forward. He sat down next to her on the couch and took her small, pale hands in his large, tan ones. She kept her gaze averted as her body shook with silent sobs.

"Why didn't you come get me?" he asked her gently.

"I didn't n-need you," she choked.

"Stop lying."

She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. Sirius put a hand on the side of her face. He brushed away her tears with the pad of his thumb. He pulled her into his arms and he heard the little sounds of pain escape her. He rubbed her back soothingly, wishing he could make all of her hurt disappear.

"You could have at least gone to James," he pointed out, "He is your boyfriend."

"I couldn't let him see me l-like this," she whimpered.

"He'd love to have a chance to hold you," he said.

"I don't care!" she pulled her face back and stared at him.

Sirius felt his heart speed up. There sat Lily Evans in his lap, her mouth only an inch away from his. All he had to do was lean forward…he was shocked when Lily placed her hands on either side of his face.

"I won't tell James if you don't," she breathed.

"Of course."

"This is strictly business. A friend helping a friend."

"I know."

She gave him a little smile then pressed her lips against his. It wasn't like kissing all those other girls. He could feel her lips moving with his, taste her on his tongue, and fell her soft lashes against his cheeks. His hands seemed to be acting on their own as they roamed across her body, never going to her chest or too far down her back. It was the first time he had never pushed his limits with someone. He was content just to have her lips on his. All he could see, feel, hear, or taste was Lily. It was like she was the one that held him to the earth instead of gravity.

He only kissed her soft when he felt the tears slip down her lashes and dab his cheeks. He only held her closer and put every bit of his emotion for her in his kiss. Her body shook as she fought to control herself. Her tears soaked his cheeks as they rolled down hers. Lily's lips faltered when a sob escaped her. He leaned back and gazed in to her beautiful eyes that were brimming with tears.

It was so wrong to want her but he couldn't help himself. James couldn't _see _the life she led. He wouldn't ever be able to understand Lily the way Sirius could. As Sirius kissed her one last time, he knew she could feel the bitter disappointment and worry that leaked in.

"Don't worry about me," she whispered as he stood to leave, "I'll be okay."

"Goodbye, Lily."

He walked away. Out in the corridor his own eyes filled with tears as he felt her hold on his heart tighten. She was going to end up ripping it out whether she meant to or not.


	5. I Loved Her First

A/N: This is written from Sirius's point of view. I feel a need to let him have his say. :]

Enjoy!

[X]

I hate the way he looks at thinks he's the shit now that she's on his arm. He doesn't know what she goes through! Every single night she goes through the same torture. Who's the one holding her? Me. He thinks he's so informed. Who does she prefer kissing? Me. Who knows her fears, secrets, likes, dislikes…? Me. I know everything there is to know about her and yet there he goes strutting through the castle with her by his side like he knows _so _much…I loved her first. I held her first. I kissed her first. I wanted her first. I _had _her first.

I understand her better then anyone else. She told me so. I'm not with her just so I can stare at her like _he _does. I'm there to protect her from all the harms of the world. If those harms include him--so be it. If he causes her even an ounce of pain…I'm not holding back. He doesn't deserve her. _I _do. I always have.

It's not fair that he should get her when I have done so much for her in the first place. All he's done is embarrass her in front of her friends, pester her for six years to date him, and flaunt her off.

I loved her first.

I wish I could tell her how I really feel. Despite all these feelings, .I can't tear them apart. I know he loves her. It might not ever me as much as I do, but he does. He's my best mate…doesn't he deserve some happiness? He could have got any other girl he wanted and he picked her. So what if I wanted her too? I never spoke up about it. He told me he was taking her and I didn't object. I let him have her. So why was I being so bitter now?

"Sirius," Remus's soft voice broke into my bittersweet thought of James and Lily. I grunted to show him I was listening but I kept my eyes on the fire before me. The flames crackled as they danced across the log. Lily liked to dance.

"I hope you realize that you just carved Lily's name into the table."

I looked down and cursed. Ink was splattered on my pants form where it slipped down the quill. Sure enough, I had carved Lily's name into the wood of the table with the tip of my quill. I pulled out my wand and repaired it with a muttered spell. I avoided Remus's gaze as I scrunched up my parchment and chucked it into the fire.

"Why have you been acting so different? You're not the kind of person to resent something and not speak up," his soft voice angered me. It wasn't him that did it--just the words he said.

"Nothing's wrong," I snapped, "I wish you would let it drop."

He just gazed at me with those mild brown eyes of his. He seemed to be reading into my very soul, which he probably was. I looked down at my blank parchment, feeling self-conscious.

"You love her." He wasn't asking. I only nodded mutely, not sure what to say. There's not ever a point in trying to lie to Remus. He always knew everything we tried to hide. Some time's he just didn't say anything.

"You didn't tell James." Another statement. I nodded again, not having anything else to say. Maybe I didn't want to admit that I did love her.

"For how long?"

"First year," my voice was a strangled whisper. I saw pity in Remus's eyes when I looked back up at him.

"You should have told James."

"It doesn't matter," I shrugged, "They're happy now and that's all that matters."

I loved her first.


	6. Let Him Love Her

I am so sorry for keeping you guys waiting for so long.

Let me explain before you eat me:

My parents got divorced, we moved, our computer crashed, we got an iMac, and I just now figured out how to work this text edit thing.

Turns out, it's just like Microsoft Word, just more complex.

Guess I don't need that laptop for Christmas anyway. XD

So sorry, you guys. Here's one as a Christmas gift.

Thanks to MeganMash for her plot idea. It helped me grow on what I already had planned. ;]

Enjoy!

-Disaster

[X]

"Sirius..."

He didn't turn to look at Lily as he kept on walking down the corridor. She was with James, now, she shouldn't be seeking him out.

It had been over two months since he had last held her. She had finally stopped crying. Maybe she had told James like he suggested. Damn him. He shouldn't have told her to do that. Either way, she wasn't his and he wasn't hers. James was in the picture now. He simply refused to tear someone apart. James could have her. Sirius didn't want someone half broken anyway.

It felt nice to be able to lie to himself like that.

"Sirius!"

He finally turned, not liking the way she was screaming at him. Who did she think she was, anyway? It was almost nine o'clock, curfew was coming. He already had a detention tomorrow with Slughorn, he didn't want to have to do another simply because some snotty nose best friend lover Lily finally decided to have a conversation with him.

Ah, how wonderful to lie _and _think horrible about her.

"What's your problem?" she demanded, her emerald eyes flashing as she looked up at him, "You have simply just refused to look at me this past months. What happened to us, Sirius? We used to be so close. Where have you been?"

"Where have I been?" he echoed.

"Yes. I believe that's what I just asked." Merlin, he thought, she's so beautiful when she's angry.

"You didn't want me anymore, remember that? You decided to get together with my best mate when it's so obvious you're in love with me. Where did I go? I left you because you left me. So before I answer your question more fully, you have to answer it yourself. Where did you go, Lily?"

He turned back around and continued his walk down the corridor, pleased that he had managed to sound so mature and intellect. She would be pissed off at him for choosing this moment, sure, but he was also in awe that he could walk away. Maybe it was because she hadn't given him his heart back yet. He wasn't sure. He knew he hadn't felt his heart beat in months.

"I didn't know you wanted to leave," her whisper carried to him through the empty corridor. He froze. He slowly turned to look at her, anger flaring in him.

"You thought I didn't want you anymore?" he demanded, "How could you think something like that? I will always, you better listen to me Lily Evans, I will always want you. I always have."

He felt horror wash over him. He had not just told Lily that….please, he did not tell her that…

But he did. They both knew it.

"You…want me?" she was trying out the words, testing them on her tongue. She watched in delight as the meaning of his words were echoed in his eyes. Deep, burning, determination that showed he had never give up, just simply stepped to the side to let someone who he thought more worthy have a try. If only she could tell him that James wasn't who she thought he was…that she wanted him, yes, but she wanted Sirius to. She wanted Sirius more, maybe, but she wasn't allowed to say that. Her mother has always told her to follow her heart. What are you supposed to do when your heart tells you to go both ways?

"You know," she said softly, "My mum always told me that I should do what's right. My dad always agrees with everything she says. He's so in love with her. She told me to always follow my heart, Sirius. My heart is telling me to go two different ways right now and I'm not sure which one to pick. Can you give me a chance to decide which way is the right way for me?"

"I wish I could," he said this and took a step closer to her, wanting her to know that he didn't mean that. She seemed to understand.

"I want you just as much as I want James," she suddenly whispered, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

Sirius almost laughed with joy at the sight. There was his point of being her friend, right there in front of him about to spill out of her eyes. He walked forward and pulled her into his arms, smoothing those red locks. She buried her face in his robes, so happy to have his arms back around her. It had been far too long. The dull aching in her chest where her heart should be finally went away. James could do that sometimes, too, but only after the first few minutes of holding. It always came back, even if James still had his arms around her.

"You must understand that I need you and I want you more then James…but I can't stand to hurt him. That was the other way I was raised. Never hurt someone unless it's the only possible way. This doesn't fall under what I consider crucial," her voice was slightly muffled.

"You'll let him pretend that you love him with all your heart when you really don't?" he whispered into her hair.

"Less then have," she mumbled back, "The rest of it's yours. If you're willing to take it." He laughed bleakly,

"You took mine many months back. Did you know when I hold you is the only time I can actually feel it beating again? Do me a favor, when you make up your mind-and I know it'll be James-can you just keep it? I don't want to suffer the heart ache and, honestly, I can't take something that is rightfully yours."

"How can your heart be rightfully mine?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Because I love you so much I forced it upon you and made you claim it as your own," he wrapped his hand around her chin and pulled her face closer up to his before he went on, "I wouldn't want my heart in anyone else's hands but yours. I don't think I could trust them."

"We're going to have to date in secret," she whispered.

"I know. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"I don't want you to make sacrifice's for me. I want to give you things, not take them away from you," she seemed so hurt and alone. He pressed his forehead to hers, their noses brushing.

"You're my sacrifice, Lily. Just being with you like this gives me everything I've ever wanted," he told her. She smiled a little, her still wet emerald eyes brightening,

"I didn't know you could be so sweet and sincere."

"Every word of love I've spoken to you since I held you that first night were true. When I told you that first night that I was going to keep you safe as long as you would let me, I meant it. I meant every word I've ever said to you since that night, Lily. Let me be the one to love you."

She couldn't speak, she was so overcome with the well of emotion that was in his words. She only kissed him, trying to put her meaning into it. He ignored it even though it was clear what she was saying:

I can't hurt James.


	7. Love Left Him Broken

"We shouldn't be doing this."

"We shouldn't do a lot of the things we do, but here we stand."

"Sirius."

"Ah, Lily."

He pulled her in for another scorching kiss, loving the way her mouth felt on his. He kissed her more slowly this time, not wanting to hear the doubt in her voice. They both knew what they wanted…they wanted one another. If only James wasn't in the picture…he should have done this months ago. He should have made his feelings know.

Merlin, they were so in love.

She pulled back, but kept her hands around his chin, not letting him back away. He smiled down at her, loving the way she thought she was stronger then him. In will power, sure, but actual strength…never. He wasn't going to tell her that, of course. He would always let her believe what she wanted. It wouldn't have made a difference anyway. She would only point out the will power fact just as easily as he had in his own thoughts.

"I've been thinking about what you said…" she trailed off, and gave him a little smile.

They were sitting on the common room rug in front of the dying fire. He curled his arm more firmly around the curve of her waist. He knew where this was going. She was bringing up his sex wish.

"You were thinking?" he prompted, wanting to hear her say it.

"James doesn't know that I'm not a virgin. I know you know that. We also both know that you're not one. For Merlin's sake, I think everyone in the school knows. I swear, sometimes I think I see McGonagall looking at you--anyway, I want to give you what it is you want from me most," she said the words simply, as she had when he first brought up the desire.

"That's not what I want from you," he object, frowning, "I love being with you, Lily, and I want to make you happy everyday I can. If this isn't something you want to do, then don't do it. Don't do it just because I--"

"Do you honestly think I would do something simply because _you _wanted it?" she interrupted him, a challenge in her eyes. He backtracked hastily.

"Of course not."

"Then let me finish. I want to make you happy as easily as you can make me happy. I also want this just as much as you do. James has gotten to have everything else first…I want this to be your first instead of his," she finished in a whisper, a little guilt shining in the back of her eyes. He pulled her close, not knowing what to say. He cleared his throat a little, not confused or anything of the sort. Just…shocked that she would be so willing to do that. No, he decided, not willing. So in love.

"I'll only do what you want to do and what you're ready for," he whispered in her ear, "This isn't all just about me."

"I'm not making this about you. This is about me too."

"Promise?"

"Swear."

He gazed down at her, not sure what to say now. Was she ready to do this now or did she want to wait a little while longer? He didn't have any condoms on him but he was sure that wouldn't matter. It wasn't like she would get knocked up or anything. And if she did, oh well, he was sure her mother had a reason for that too. He almost smiled as if he could hear it:

"If you become pregnant by another man's baby, that means you're in love with him and you should go with him so that the baby may know it's true father…"

She pulled his face back down to hers and began kissing him in the most alluring way she ever had. He tried, again, to ignore the aching bulge his pants were now producing. Did she know what it was she did to him? He was assuming she did when she looked down and smirked back up at him.

"I'm ready for it now if you are," she whispered against his lips. His next words almost came out as a groan,

"I've been ready."

She laughed softly and began undoing the button on his pants.

[X]

He held her close after it was over. She was already asleep in his arms, both of their forms covered by the thick covers of his bed. He was glad James was out tonight, he would have been in big trouble if James would have caught him pulling his girlfriend through the door snogging her senseless. Sirius smiled at the thought of that. On the other hand, maybe James should have been here…

Sirius places his hand lightly on Lily's stomach over the covers. His smiled disappeared as he gazed down at her relaxed face, her body tired. He was, too, but he didn't want to waste any moment he had with her. Sleep was unnecessary.

How he wished that she would get pregnant. If she did, it would be his, would it not? If she so ready for sex, would James get it tomorrow? Surely so. She wouldn't let something as wonderful as that just got to waste. Sirius new every female was craving to have sex with the both of them. Lily was having the best of both worlds, here. She was getting both of them…maybe in two nights. If she was pregnant, how would they know who the child was? She wouldn't tell James that there was also a fifty percent chance that the baby was Sirius's…he wasn't going to tell him either. Merlin's beard, it was his best mate! What the hell was he doing here, anyway?

As he continued gazing down at Lily's sleeping face, he knew what the reason was. Love. As stupid as that reason sounded, even in his head, he knew it was true. That was the reason he was here. That was the reason he and Lily were going behind so many people's backs. Love was the reason a lot of people did the things that they did. It didn't make any sense, love, but he was glad he was able to find love with her. Even if he didn't get her, which he knew he wouldn't, he knew he would always love her. He knew she would always love him even when she was with James. Maybe they wouldn't be able to be alone together again after this, he knew he was going to have to stop it, but he would always love her.

The thought hit him like a punch to the gut. He was going to have to cut things off tonight. Let Lily have the belief that all he wanted from her this whole time was sex. He almost laughed aloud. He knew she wouldn't believe that. He would leave tonight, though, carry her back to her own bed. She didn't have anyone in her room over break, either. He would leave for James's house tomorrow, Dumbledore could get him a ride. But…this thing he was having with Lily couldn't last. She would pick James, he knew she would, because her heart was going to beat for James. Sirius wasn't right for her. They might love each other, but they didn't fit together like James and Lily did. Sirius wasn't right for her. He never could be.

[X]

Lily awoke in the morning, feeling happy. She rolled over with a yawn, keeping her eyes closed, and moved her hand out to touch Sirius. Her hand made contact with the empty, cold, sheets. Her eyes snapped open. She stared in disbelief at her door room before her and the empty bed next to her. Tears welled in her eyes. Surely last night hadn't been a dream? It was too real, too true, to be a dream. She knew it. Her eyes landed on a piece of paper on the sheets next to her. She sat up and opened it, her tears splashing down on the page as she read:

_Darling Lily,_

_Last night was the most wonderful night of my existence, don't you ever forget that. I will remember last night like I will anything else. It was amazing._

_You and I…we can't be, Lily. You were made for James, James for you, and I for you. Just because two people fit with you perfect doesn't mean anything. You were made for someone else. I'm positive of that. I see that you are truly happy when you're with him. When he kisses you, you can forget about everything in the world…even me. Even when he's not kissing you, just holding you without a word, you can. I bet when you think of him, too, I run from your head._

_We can't be together._

_This pains me, it really does. I just…I can't. I don't want to be the reason James and I can't be best mates. I don't want to be the reason you and James can't be together when it's so obvious, even to me, that you two belong together. He has loved you for a year shorter then I, but I'm the one strong enough to let go._

_Don't hold onto me, Lily. Let go. You have James to make love to and to have for the rest of your life. When you do think of me, though, I want you to think of how amazing last night was. Don't compare it to the nights you and James will have. I'd hate myself. But when you want to think of me and how much we love one another, I want you to think of how wonderful it was. Don't think waking up alone. I already hate myself for that, but this was the only way I could think of how to make it easy for the both of us._

_A clean cut._

_I'm going to James's for the rest of the holiday break. See you when I get back, a friendship that will always be forever ours. Just a friendship…that is something that I will never allow to change again no matter how much I love you._

_Forever Yours,_

_Sirius_

_PS: If you are pregnant, I apologize…tell James's it his. If it's a boy, though, name it Harry. My mum has grown an attachment to that name and I rather like it myself. I know that's a lot to ask, yet another reminder of me, but if it's a girl…keep it as your own. Don't tell anyone it's mine, though. Not even me. I couldn't stand to know._


	8. The Choice I Made

This is the ending, kitten's. I know it's a rather short series, only eight chapters, but I don't want to drag it out forever either. I also want to finish now so that I don't keep you all waiting for more, lol. Consider it my Christmas present to you. :]

I hope you subscribe to me, because I'm thinking of doing a one shot sequel to this about Lily telling Sirius that Harry is his baby. It'd be an alluring piece to write, would it not? Haha. You should subscribe now so you can find out. ;]

Lily's POV.

[X]

The choices I make aren't going to be the ones I forever please myself with. The choices that are going to be coming are, surely, not going to be the ones that I will forever remember. The choices that I've made in the past will haunt me forever, something I wish I had never done that will always be stuck with me, no matter what happens. The choices I make, the choices everyone makes, are choices that will forever be stuck with us, past, present, and future.

I am not ashamed of what happened between myself and Sirius. That night…that is the night that I will forever treasure the most. Mine and James's first night together was more romantic, more beautiful, I admit, but my night with Sirius will always be forever my most favorite. I love James, don't get me wrong, I always have. My love with Sirius, though, was just so true. We were caught up in the moment. We were being teenagers. I'm sure the child growing inside of me now will do the same thing. I hope that the woman he makes love to though won't have to be forced to walk away from him. I'll be sure to pass that message along to him. I couldn't stand to be the reason that woman gets her heart broken. I know what it feels like to lose one of the people you love most.

I haven't been with James or Sirius (physically) in a month and three days. I'm pregnant. I tested positive a night before James and I made love for the first time. I know it's Sirius's. I still have his note. I will carry out his wishes not matter what it is. Maybe it is James's. I think I'll just lie to myself and let everyone around me believe it.

We are graduation from Hogwarts in a few days. I'm going to miss the castle. James and I are already engaged, a wedding to be in place a few months after we get out of school. James already has a job as an Auror, me as a Healer. I'm proud to say that we already have our lives in place, a family on the way as well. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to tell him tonight. It will make him happy, seeing as they also just won the Qudditch Cup. Gryffindor is just full of surprises this last year.

"James," I took his arm and pulled him away from the cheering party, "I need to tell you something."

He followed me happily up the stairs to his dorm, a sloshing cup of butterbeer in his hand. He placed it down on his trunk when we entered his room. I walked over and sat down on his trunk. He stood in front of me, waiting for me to speak. I took a deep breath and looked up at him, smiling happily. It was a happy smile, yes.

Remember, Lily, it's the truth now. You're lying to yourself and to him, I thought as I spoke,

"I'm pregnant, James."

"What?" he crowed, his face breaking into a beaming smile. I jumped up, his excitement rubbing off on me. He picked me up and spun me around the room, laughing in my ear,

"Darling, that's amazing."

"Can you believe it, James? It's so perfect. We've already got a baby along the way. A real family," I beamed at him again, "It's like our plan is just falling right into place."

"Can I add one more step to the plan?" he whispered in my ear, hugging me close. I nodded, happy to have his arms around me. He spoke softly in my ear, "Sirius should be it's godfather. He's been so supportive of our relationship. He was so sure we would get together. Don't you think we owe him that, Lils?" I swallowed the lump in my throat so I could speak,

"Yeah, he should. He does deserve it."

"I thought so, too. I know you think he's a real arse, Lily, but really he's a great guy. He'll be ecstatic," James kissed my tenderly.

"One more thing," I whispered against his lips before he could pull back, "If it's a boy, I want to name him Harry."

[X]

Our little one year old son was flying around on the broom at his first birthday party. I stood next to Sirius, laughing, as James chased the giggling boy around the room. The cat streaked between James's legs and up the stairs as it ran from Harry's new toy of destruction.

"Thanks, Sirius," I smiled over at him, "Harry's going to love it."

"Anytime. As my godfather, I find it a privilege to be able to give him things that will drive you and that demon cat up the wall," he winked at me. I laughed again and turned my attention back to James and Harry.

"Isn't our son beautiful?" I whispered, where only Sirius could hear me. I felt his hand on my lower back. I tried not to lean into him, but it wasn't working so well. I only hoped James wouldn't notice. Sirius was an arse, yes, but he was my arse. My lovely, wonderful, pain.

"He's grown up a lot. I hope Voldemort doesn't get any of you anytime soon. I really want to see him grow up. You know, Lily, he looks a lot like me," he whispered in my ear as we watched James charm things to the floor now, giving up on the chase.

"Yes, I suppose I should consider myself lucky that you and James happen to look so much alike," I did consider myself lucky. Man, I would have been screwed trying to explain to James why Harry looked like Sirius instead of him. The dog would have been out of the bag for sure.

"A secret I'm taking to the grave," Sirius muttered to me, "I don't want anyone to know. Do you forget sometimes that he's my son?"

"I do. But the second you walk in that door and I see Harry go running to hug you, I remember," I admitted, not feeling that bad. He knew I forgot, anyway. I was always just so happy with James. Sirius sounded a little smug when he answered me,

"I told you back in seventh year that you would be able to forget about me."

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. James turned his back to us to charm something else down and Sirius quickly pecked me on the lips. I took an uneasy step away from him, not having kissed him since the end of my seventh year in Hogwarts. It was a different thing then kissing James. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not.

"I still love you," he whispered, his eyes full of longing and pain. I felt my heart stop as I looked up at him and whispered,

"I love you too, but not in the same way. I let you go like you told me too. Now you should release me."

"I wish I could. It is far easier said then done," he gave me a sad smile and I felt my heart ease a little. Good, I wasn't the only one who couldn't unearth the same love that we had felt so long ago.

"I wish I could help you, Sirius," I mumbled as Harry flew around the table, screaming and laughing his little head off. He sighed and took a step back, the small distance between us suddenly seeming huge,

"I wish I could feel the same as I always had."

James, smiling like he just won the war, came walking back over to me. He put his arm around my waist and kissed me softly and slowly until Sirius cleared his throat loudly. I made a face. And the arse Sirius returns. James laughed and looked up at him,

"Sorry, mate, just can't help myself."

A secret I was taking to the grave.


End file.
